This quote is one from Dr. Shefali. As a dad to biological kids, stepkids, and kids I’ve chosen as my own, I know how easy it is to get caught up in who you think your child will be. We all come into parenting with hopes, dreams, and even fears about what our children will be like. Maybe we imagine they’ll share our interests, or have a certain personality, or follow a path we expect.
But then we meet them. The real kids.
And they show up as themselves.
Expectations Versus Reality
I’ll be honest. I used to think I had a pretty clear idea of how my kids would turn out. Not every detail, but enough to have a picture in my head. Maybe they’d love the outdoors or be bookworms like me. Perhaps they’d fit into the family traditions the way I hoped.
Some of them do. Others take a different road. I’ve had to learn how to love what is instead of what I imagined.
It’s humbling. It can be frustrating. But more than anything, it’s been an opportunity to grow as a parent and as a person.
Each Child Is Their Universe
I’ve worked hard, and still am, on my own healing. Mentally, physically, and spiritually, and I know how powerful it is to be understood for who you really are. Therapy, reflection, and the quiet support of my wife Melanie have shown me how important it is to show up fully and honestly.
And Melanie doesn’t even realize how much she’s helped me. Over the years, she’s shared quick pieces of advice, sometimes in the middle of chaos, sometimes in passing, that have stuck with me. A little insight about how one of our kids handles their feelings. A reminder that behavior is a way of communicating. The way she stays gentle when I’m running low on patience. Those moments opened my eyes to new ways of relating to our kids. Her knowledge, from her nursing background and deep intuition, has quietly changed how I approach parenting, especially when I feel stuck in my head.
So why shouldn’t I give my kids that same space?
At times some needed more attention then the other just like one needs structure like air. Another thrives in creative chaos. One is wildly sensitive. Another is bold and brash. Some are healing from things I’ll never fully understand, and others navigate the world with unique wiring that calls for me to listen first and guide later.
I don’t always get it right. I mess up more than I want to admit. But when I pause and ask myself, Am I responding to the child in front of me? Or the one in my head? Things will start to shift.
Today, This Hits Hard
That phrase hits especially hard today as we celebrate my first biological child’s 13th birthday. A teenager now. It hit Melanie and me like a wave with a flood of memories, feelings, and old expectations I didn’t realize I was still holding onto.
I remember holding them for the first time, imagining what kind of parent I’d be and who he’d grow up to be. Now, thirteen years later, I stand in awe of who he has become and the dream he has to play college and professional football.
My children aren’t a copy of me. They’re their person. A mix of fire and softness, humor and thoughtfulness. Someone who challenges me teaches me and surprises me every day. Parenting them means letting go of the plan and learning the rhythm of this child right here and now.
I’m proud of them not because they fit any expectations but because they are unapologetically themselves.
Love Without Conditions
Deuce, our Golden Retriever who passed, had a gift for this. He didn’t care if a child was loud, anxious, angry, or sad. He just was there. His love didn’t depend on performance. He was often better at seeing the real person than I was. I miss him every day, but his example stays with me.
Now, I try to love like Deuce did.
I want my kids to know they don’t have to change who they are to earn my love. They need to be themselves. Messy. Brilliant. Perfectly imperfect.
The Work of Letting Go
To parent the child in front of me means letting go of ego, control, and fear. It means choosing curiosity over judgment and connection over correction, at least at first. It means embracing who they are becoming, even if it feels unfamiliar or uncomfortable.
We’re not raising mini versions of ourselves. We’re raising whole, wild, complicated humans.
If I’ve learned anything on this journey, through healing, grief, and watching my wife grow into her role as a fierce and compassionate Native woman who received a Master’s in Nursing as a Psychiatric Mental Health Nurse Practitioner, is that no one becomes themselves by following someone else’s script. We become who we are when we’re loved while we grow.
So here’s to parenting with open eyes and open hands. To see our kids not as someone who needs fixing, but as person to walk beside. To parenting the child in front of us exactly as they are.
And let that be enough.
